Joker's Corner

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

{feel free to add more jokes to this thread}

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the heck is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my a$$ coming into work today."

_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Laughing

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.' laughing8

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute. love10

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Rolling Eyes

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. thumbleft

_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
{This has actually happened to me! LOL }

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
{So True!!! }

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f**k jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a p*i*k.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit. laughing5

{Yes, I am an Aries}

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a crap. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving f**k and enjoy m**tur**t more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your crap-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while f**k. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of crap.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

>>FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
>>
>>FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
>>
>>FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
>>
>>FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
>>
>>FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a
>>while..better be a reward.
>>
>>COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
>>
>>NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby
>>
>>GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
>>
>>JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
>>
>>WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
>>
>>(AND THE BEST ONE)
>>
>>FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. >>Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married >>last month. Wife knows everything.
>>
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with
friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the
other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other
replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's
degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm
still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad:
That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the
man speaks And the woman listens. In the second year, the woman
speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a
fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but
I was in love and didn't notice."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends Up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a
millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked
the friend. The woman replied, " A billionaire".
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Tina-cious · Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007 11:08 am Post subject:

ROFLMAO

_________________

He's a tramp
But I love him
Yes, even I
Have got it pretty bad

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

A police officer, who was hoping to catch someone drunk, waited outside a bar. Now most bars close at midnight, so he parked himself right around the bar and waited for someone to come out drunk and try to drive. Sure enough, at 11:45pm, a man came stumbling out of the bar. It took him five minutes to get to his car and another five to turn the car on.

The police officer sensed victory and let the man start driving. He pulled the man over only 50 feet away from the tavern. He walked up to the man and said, "I just saw you come out of that bar and you were pretty loaded." "Daknguifshregjdgfnfdjgn," said the drunk man. "How many beers did you have?" asked the police officer. "Anoout fiften," said the man. "FIFTEEN! And you're trying to drive?!? You will get life for this," said the officer. "Hop out of the car. I am going to run some tests on you," said the officer.

The man hopped out of his car with perfect grace, he smiled and stood on one foot, hopped up and down and said his ABCs fowards and backwards. The police officer didn't get it. "Okay, let me smell your breath," said the officer. "Sure," said the man. He exhaled right into the officers nose and the officers smelled no beer on his breath. "Well, I guess I am gonna have to let you go, but why did you stumble out of the bar so drunk?" "Oh, I'm the DD," said the man. "A designated driver?" "No, a designated decoy," said the man.
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Tina-cious · Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:34 pm Post subject:

ROFL -- that's cute... lol
_________________

He's a tramp
But I love him
Yes, even I
Have got it pretty bad

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Tina-cious · Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 1:46 pm Post subject:

LOL!

Ok, that reminds me of a joke.

Let's see if I can remember it...

Oh yeah...

A man found a genie's lamp and rubbed on it. Out pops the genie.

The genie says, "I will grant you 3 wishes."

The man says, "Great! For my first wish, I wish to be 100x's more handsome!"

*POOF*

His wish was granted.

The man says, "Great! For my second wish, I wish to be 100x's richer!"

*POOF*

His wish was granted.

"The man says, "For my third and last wish, I wish to be 100x's smarter!"

*POOF*

He was turned into a woman.
_________________

He's a tramp
But I love him
Yes, even I
Have got it pretty bad

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

"Signs You've Seen the 'Star Wars' Movies Too Many Times "

10. Your poodles are named "C," "3," "P" and "O"
9. You won't sleep with your wife unless she says, "Help me, Obi Wan, you're my only hope"
8. You spent $10,000 trying to Rogaine yourself into Chewbacca
7. You're continually stunned when the President makes major decisions without consulting Mark Hamill
6. Your favourite pickup line: "Would you like to handle my light saber?"
5. You keep referring to your lawn mower as "that crazy droid"
4. You spend most of your days trying to use "the Force" to open a can of pears
3. You once saw an eggplant that looked kind like Darth Vader and almost had a heart attack
2. Your sex life is strictly "Han Solo," if you know what I mean
1. You like Yoda so much, you voted for Ross Perot
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

5 Surgeons

Five Surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think Librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers......those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politic ians are the easiest to operate on.......there's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the a$$ are interchangeable."
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

Office Signs

_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of the fender."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening
and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

Al Sharpton announced today a new step in his plan to end discrimination. He plans to head a special committee to investigate segregation and discrimination within the home. When asked what he meant, Mr. Sharpton said that "I cannot in good faith continue this struggle for equality while allowing white families in America to continue discrimination within their own homes. It is past time sombody stood up for laundry."

Mr. Sharpton's committee plans to lobby Congress this fall to pass what they call the "Anti-Laundry Segregation Act of 2007". Under the provisions of this new act, people will no lnoger be allowed to refer to their laundry as 'whites" and "colors", nor to separate their laundry according to color.

In a final comment, Mr. Sharpton reminded us of a Supreme Court ruling that stated "separate but equal is inherrently unequal". According to Al Sharpton, "we cannot ocntinue this struggle for equality when white people in this country are allowed to continue discriminating and segregating their own laundry."

As of this writing, it was still uncertain how Mr. Sharpton would finance his new campaign. Rumors suggest a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Clorox for marketing bleach as "color safe".
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Tina-cious · Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 3:49 pm Post subject:

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA
_________________

He's a tramp
But I love him
Yes, even I
Have got it pretty bad

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

Only at Walmart

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no- they ain't.
The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think
they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid", replied the greeter. "I just couldn't
believe you got laid twice."
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man,
"Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day....
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ........ "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

GOOD
In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!"
The officer later found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Plano, Texas . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST
A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, " Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
_________________
"She is severely fuckable, isn't she?"-
Alien Resurrection

Rain · Joined: 03 May 2007 Posts: 180 Location: Philadelphia, PA

An escaped convict breaks into a house, only to find a
young couple in bed. While tying the homeowner's wife
to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. He's probably spent a
lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I
saw how he kissed your neck. "If he wants sex, don't
resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy
him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll ki